5.11.12

Depression; Fighting The Good Fight


Hi guys, I'd be talking about something on a more personal level & this might be a super long post so I hope you all choose to bear with me. 

I've been in a deep funk lately, for reasons unknown. I'm guessing life just got to me. I kept wondering over & over again if there was anything more to life, or if this was just all there is. I kept beating myself over the head with it, how insignificant I was & how I could've tried harder. 

My days kept on dragging by, & it spent all my energy just getting through half the day. My sleep cycles got longer & longer. Soon, it was all I could do to get out of bed. Many days I just wanted to lie there, not wanting to face the world, wishing I wouldn't wake up. 

I didn't just wake up one day & said "I'm depressed." It was gradual & I didn't even realize it. I felt like shit all the time. Every action, every smile & laugh was forced, as the days went by I just slowly stopped feeling anything. Months went by & nothing changed. I just buried myself in anything & everything I could find. Only when I did realize something was wrong did I find this constant state of numbness mind boggling. It was strange, almost like a trance. Then the crying came. Every night I'd sit by myself & sob, without knowing why. This would continue through out the night for weeks on end, I was lucky to get a couple hours of sleep. So much hate for myself at this stage, it was both mentally & physically exhausting, being brow beaten constantly.



I thought Hyperbole and a Half drew this to a T.
 I didn't want to go out with friends or family, I just wanted to be alone. I saw some friends slip away during this period. I couldn't even see happy videos on Youtube without feeling sick. It was complete & utter madness. I had stood up against bullying but in reality I was bullying myself. 

Yesterday night I became defiant, something I hadn't felt in so long, I picked a site that I had gone to a long time ago, GivesMeHope.com or GMH for short, I used to go on this everyday for a little pick me up. I went on it last night. I think I scrolled though 50 pages. I cried like a little girl at the end of it. This time it was tears of happiness. I think I made a small step today, I know that I'm not completely happy right now but it'll get better. I'll keep telling myself that.





15 comments:

  1. LOL trollers

    Man, so many people I know - self very definitely included -are struggling SO hard with depression right now. Is it the weather, current events, normal seasonal effects, I do not know what is causing all of us to slip into despair like this, but it is horrible. I know it can feel like it's impossible to climb out of that hole, but it's only impossible if we don't try :)

    Also, I've done the friend-pushing-away thing many a time, and while it truly sucks, the silver lining is that you get to see which friends are beyond true & loyal and are damn near angels in your life.

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    1. Thanks so much for being sincere. I'm sorry to hear that you had experienced the same thing. <3

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  2. I understand how you feel and there is help. Just don't push people you love and who love you away. Let your next step be to share your trouble with them. Get well.

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    1. Thanks Vedrana :) I try not to but it can be hard. xx

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  3. I am really sorry you've had such a tough time. Depression is really hard to live with. A lot of people have what's known as Seasonal Affective Disorder where it's like they get depressed at a certain time every year. Some have Manic Depression, also known as Bipolar I or II, and others still have Treatment Resistant Depression. There's so many forms of Depression, and my heart goes out to all of them.

    I nearly died in a serious accident over 25 years ago and you can bet I was seriously depressed for a long time. It did get better as I grieved the loss I experienced, but it was a real battle. I hope you are able to find relief as we enter the holiday season, I know that can be the hardest time of year for many people. Take care, and thank you for being brave enough to post this!

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    1. I'm in a country with only one season so I really don't think that's it! Haha. Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you, I hope you're alright now! <3 Thank YOU for sharing this with me!

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  4. I think only sufferers can truly understand what depression feels like but I would like to share some tips.
    1) have your thyroid levels checked out. Thyroid hormone deficiency causes feelings of depression and it is VERY common.
    2) eat a multivitamin everyday. It really, really helps. Hey, the worst that could happen is, you'll get your daily dose of vitamins!
    3) when you feel an episode coming on or when you're in it, really have to take a brute force effort to pull yourself out of it. Listening to depressing songs will only make you more depressed. Really have to force yourself to watch some comedies or youtube nonsense. It will help.
    4) write/ blog about it. Even if you don't publish your post, just the mere action of putting thought to paper helps to sort of get it off your chest.

    These I hope you will find helpful and I hope you don't mind me too aunty and blabbermouth.

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    1. Oh this is the first time I've considered it to be medically related. Rather interesting & I just might because it's fairly common. Multivitamins?! Really! I've never heard of that before but I will definitely try it :D Yeah I immerse myself in my own macabre/ funny shows & drown out the craziness sometimes. Blogging I don't do so much of my personal life about, it tends to get quite messy so I'm quite afraid la.

      No la! You're not aunty at all please! Great advice & thanks :)

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  5. I suffer from major depressive disorder and on depression awareness month I wrote a post about recovery. My brain basically produces little to no serotonin. I have been hospitalized 3 times for suicide attempts and spent close to nine months in a literal emotional coma. I had one feeling fear. I was scared of everything. I couldn't even think about bathing. I was almost forced to eat because I would go days where I would not eat and then just go to the bathroom and vomit. I wanted to feel something so when I really felt bad I would go to the bathroom and grab a knife I had hidden there and cut my arms. It was only then that I got some relief from the pain I was in. Finally my doctor found a medication that worked but my cutting did not stop because I now had PTSD. I just stopped cutting around four months ago when I would have flashbacks. I really think you are doing great being able to blog and paint your nails. The only thing my nails were for when I was in my deepest depression was a weapon to hurt myself. Girl you are doing good!

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    1. I know about the relief from cutting & the endorphin rush it gives you. I'm sorry you had to experience it & I feel your pain. I'm glad for this chance I was given to blog, & sometimes it really helps my depression :) Thanks for this comment, it was very sincere. <3

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  6. Over the past few months I have been experiencing some of the symptoms you mentioned and a couple of others too for various reasons, however I'm kinda too scared to ask anyone (such as my doctor) for help because I feel I would be laughed at because hey, there are people who are worse off than me right? Yeah, but that doesn't exactly help me feel better (might sound selfish there), actually kind makes me feel more down to be honest :/
    I am gradually getting sick of myself and I don't know what to do-I'm a shy person and often find it hard to talk about my issues. I have tried counselling but it didn't really work for me.
    I guess I'm really asking what I should do?...is it really something worth going to the doctor with? I already suffer tension migraines and every now and then chest pains too.

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    1. Hey dear, I'm not a professional & this is only my advice. Your doctor is here to help you, your problems may seem minor to you but it seems to be affecting you quite a bit. It's my thinking that tension headaches & chest pains are a high indication of anxiety or stress. This is making you live a less fuller life. You deserve more. A doctor is needed to assess you, physically & mentally so that you can live healthily & happily.

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    2. Thanks Abby, appreciate the reply whether you're a professional or not-you're a human being and have experienced this kinda thing too. Professionals often haven't. I couldn't really think of anywhere else to ask-sorry :/
      Things havee kinda been getting worse so I guess it might be time to go see the doctor before it escalates more :/ I just know that I'll feel stupid and embarrassed. Eeek.
      Thanks.

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